If We Were Having Coffee

I know I said I’m on a blogging hiatus, and that’s still kind of true, but I feel like I need to take a one-post hiatus from the hiatus and write this post. Jamie at The Perpetual Page-Turner did a post based on one written by Ashley at Your Super Awesome Life and even though I don’t usually post about personal things, I’ve been having a really rough week and thought it would be helpful to write it all out. However, as I don’t drink coffee, my post will be about what I would tell you if we were having tea.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you how on Monday afternoon, my flute broke. For the third time. In the past month. It took me a whole week to get in touch with the flute company, and apparently, frequent breakage like this is common in handmade flutes. I love my flute. It is a truly beautiful instrument. But this breaking is causing me so so so much stress, especially this one, especially because it happened two days before one performance and a week before another. Thankfully, my mother was able to overnight me my old flute so I could have a playable instrument this week, but I’ve just started really worrying about how the heck I’m going to be able to cover future costs for my flute when I know I’m probably not going to get a super high-paying job.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that my hearing aid broke, also on Monday. I have only a mild hearing loss in my left ear, but not having the hearing aid means I have to work harder than every normal-hearing person to understand what’s being said to me, and it’s pretty tiring. I can’t deal with that problem until Wednesday of next week, because I won’t be home until then. And even then, I don’t know if the hearing aid specialist will be able to fix the problem on her own or if I’ll have to send it off to be fixed, meaning I won’t have my hearing aid for the last few weeks of the semester. Not being able to hear makes everything harder and puts extra strain on me that I find hard to explain to normal-hearing people sometimes.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that at 11:17pm on Saturday night, my music professor emailed me and my ensemble mates telling us she needs a recording of the piece we’re playing for our recital on December 2nd before this Monday. She also casually mentioned how she needs this recording for our mid-semester grades, which were due IN ACTUAL MID SEMESTER, which was in October. I have a math exam on Monday that I really need to study for, plus a lab report, some reading, and the last few pages of a 20pg paper to get done, and by ensemble mates are even busier than I am. This professor has been pulling stuff like this all year, and seems to think her class is the only one we’re taking. She makes me feel like I’m never doing anything that’s good enough even though I know I’m working really hard, and the class is always really tense and she makes me not want to play.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that in part because of that professor, I have not been enjoying playing music this year. The pieces for her class have been taking up all of my practice time, so I haven’t been able to work on my own pieces as much as I want and need to, because they are so hard and because I am in so many of them. I am in four pieces, whereas all the other ensemble members are only in two or three at most. I would tell you that this class is making me dislike playing music at my college, even though I usually love performing. I love being challenged, too, but I feel so much pressure from my professor that I actually hate what I’m doing for her class. I feel like I’m learning a lot and improving a lot, but she doesn’t acknowledge it and nothing I do is ever good enough. She’s harder on me than I am on myself, and it’s really not helping my confidence at all.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that actually, I haven’t been enjoying most things I’m doing this year, even my women’s studies course with my favorite professor. The only thing I’ve really liked doing is blogging, but it’s getting too busy for me to do that much.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that all I want to do for the rest of the year is hang out with my friends and my wonderful boyfriend and read and blog about books and do feminism and play what I want to play on flute, because those are the things away from home that make me the most happy. I’d tell you I’ve been feeling really angry and down this year for no particular reason. I’d tell you I really need to develop a hobby to get my aggression and anxiety out, because it gets really tiring carrying it around sometimes (I discovered earlier tonight that stomping on bubble wrap is particularly helpful with this).

If we were having tea…I’d tell you I’m already worrying that I won’t be able to find a job over the summer (yes, I know it’s a little early for that, but this is what happens when all these stressors happen at once). I looked a bit last summer and couldn’t find anything that I qualified for, because all of my job experience is music and arts related. What I really want for the summer, or sooner, is a change of scenery. I keep having dreams about taking a cross country road trip to California with my boyfriend, and I keep getting blog views from all these countries I’ve never even heard of that look gorgeous when I google them.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that I miss my best friends from home, but I’m also happy that I’ve made some new friends this year.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that I feel anxious and guilty about things I can’t say here, and I also can’t really deal with some of them because I don’t talk to certain people anymore

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that I feel lame for only writing 900 words for NaNoWriMo. I don’t know why I kidded myself into thinking I could do it. I have ideas for a story, but I’m too self-censoring and worried about having a beautiful first draft to get much of anywhere. I’d ask for some advice on that.

I’d also apologize for being so depressing. I’ve just been feeling really overwhelmed lately and everything’s starting to go over the edge. Although I am happy to say that writing this post helped a little bit. Feel free to share your advice/thoughts with me, and tell me what’s going on in your lives!


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